"The Day"

Today is “The Day”…. If you have ever struggled with infertility, you know exactly what I mean… Today is the day that determines what kind of doctor’s appointment the next one will be… Today is not a good day for me. Since I like numbers, today is the 41st “The Day” I have experienced. I am tired of “The Day”. “The Day” stinks. So, here we are, facing the choice of moving on to the next, more invasive, more expensive treatment, as we are at the limit of the current treatment.

If this were happening several years ago, I would be struggling in a very different way. I would be fighting with my husband, I would be blaming myself, I would be very involved in the worldly process. Not now. Now this period of my life is becoming very much a spiritual process. I am not fighting with my husband; I am fighting with my faith. I am fighting with the temptation to give in to the horribly negative feelings that I can’t seem to get rid of. I am fighting the temptation to be a very bratty, petulant child of God. (Yeah, doesn’t work… didn’t work on my mother when I was a teenager; of course it’s not going to work on the Creator of the Universe and my inmost being… ).

So, in a fit of honesty, here I am, the Pastor’s wife, the Sunday School teacher, the choir member… and I am struggling with the very promises that are laid out in black and white in front of me on the pages of my Bible… not struggling to believe them… struggling to believe that they apply to me today. Tomorrow will be different, but today it’s hard to trust that this situation is part of things working for good. Today it is hard to consider any part of this trial with joy. Today I find it impossible to trade this wearisome burden for a lighter one.

In all of that, I must recognize all that God has given me, and be thankful. I am... even today... on "The Day"... somedays the 'poor me' fog just gets in the way...

Here’s to a lighter post for tomorrow:-) It is Not Me Monday, after all!